Two paths has been emerging within my psyche, and at first I was looking at them seperatly, but now I see how they have been coming together slowly. Now I see where all the experiences before would have reached this point eventually.
The two issues which have been coming to a head are:
1) My creative side wishes to create something of mastery...something beyond the current mind. Something that requires me reaching further than myself.
2) My magickal mind wishes to seek something with a deeper meaning. It wishes to know something fully to the point of mastering the topic or issue...a deepening of faith or magickal connection.
And the two are related. Looking back at my life's journey I realized because what I sought, was far away from the mainstream of my experience, I had to sample bits and peices to eventually reach this point of knowing where my passion lies and understanding what I was meant to do with these experiences I have gathered.
One of Deborah Lipp's books highlights the problem I have in my mind. As an eclectic seeker I have walked among many magickal paths. But my eclectic mind seems to gloss over the details, getting the "jist" of the topic, and not seeking the deeper detailed meaning behind every line, every symbol and every hand gesture.
As she puts it :
Best of Traditional Wicca
Structured ritual: This imparts confidence to the participants; in a word, they know what they are doing. It engenders thoughtfulness. Traditional Wiccans are taught that each part of the ritual and each rule is there for a reason, so they tend to look for the reasons within ritual. Traditional rituals tend to have an overarching logic; the whole thing holds together.
In her analysis of the methods of approaching the Eclectic ways; she comments:
Worst of Eclectic Wicca
Dilution: A Wicca that allows everything and has no inherent rules can be very watered down and tepid, and eclectic ritual sometimes reflects this.
Now there are arguments against this very theory which Lipp herself outlines in her book: The Study of Witchcraft, but these are the point that resonate with me currently in my present state of mind.
From this point on, I am building a foundation for the future. It's the time for it. Saturn is in my Sun sign.... the energies are coming together. I want something less flighty, with more meaning. I want to create a strong solid foundation from which I can launch my future. Now that I know where I want to go, now that I have given up the traveling all over my brain, and trying different things, and I know the paths I want to be on, and I know the street where I want to live... so to speak.
I have realized my fear "triggers" and have dissolved their power, conquering my demons so to speak. I have explored all the other distractions and have found them lacking.
Where I am heading now, I am heading because I know that this is where I am meant to go.....like going home....where my heart is...... Blessed Be.