Sunday, April 18, 2010
Trapped - again
My life seems to be going in cycles. I have a clear picture of what I want it to be, but I seem to be reliving the same issues over and over again. Somehow, I keep feeling it would be different, but keep ending up in the same emotional and mental state. Feel clipped, my mind feels restrained. And then the madness starts setting in as I desperately try to twist and turn out of anything that feels restrictive.
And you know what....
Nothing is going to work.
Nothing is going to bring the thing which will release me from these mental bonds...except me. I have to work through the mental bonds and break every one of them. This blog, is my therapy sometimes. I have dreams that do not include a management board, a Cheif Operations Officer or a Deparment team. My dreams, are of my mind, and colour and canvas. And days alone converting an abstract concept into a two dimensional image.
I have been fighting for years. Struggling with several escape routes, always hoping it would be better, and always ending up right where I am. A yearning for freedom, for release from the ties that bind. A yearning to wake up every day and only focus on things that excite me. A yearning to get up everyday and have things that excite me. Otherwise what's the point?
What's the point of working your ass off, making sacrifices, and then having freedom only when you are too old to enjoy it fully? What;s the point of waiting around for a time when the responsibilities are not nessecary any more, waiting to live your life with resentment growing and growing? What's the point?
Freedom, happiness and peace of mind is so important to me. But no one seems to see that inner pain that I scream in silence tied down with all these chains.
Imagine being a bird, chained to a dry leafless tree, watching all the other birds fly away. That's how I feel......thats how I feel.