Monday, October 12, 2009

Stuck in a rut

I feel stuck in a rut. I feel like all the plans I have decided I was going to do are still very much up in the air. I made all these decisions, and haven't done a damned thing about them. If I were a psychic though, I would say that somewhere around 1:43 am this morning I woke up with a sense that something in the Universe had shifted. At that time, I felt a child waking up at Yuletide morn with the expectations of presents. Like something was going to be given to make everything seem like the world was great once again.

This morning though, I woke up with a feeling of incredible lonleyness, same as I went to bed with last night. About 10 pm last night I was on the computer with the feeling to search, although I had no idea what I was searching for. The realization that there was no one I could reach out to was painful and worrying, and it kept me up till close to midnight. Tried calling a few friends, but everyone was asleep....duh!!!

I know the feeling though. It is a familiar one for me. It begins as a feeling of lacking, of wanting, and then it gravitates to my need to reach out to someone to feel connected to something wider. Then I realize there is no one to connect to that has the answers to my questions. No one can tell me which choice to make to be happy. Everything has a huge question mark with it. How do we get past this predicament. Could one just settle their minds to be happy come what ever happens?

Did that for the last decade there abouts and was not truly happy, so that doesn't work. Why do I have this fear that life is short, and if I don't make a decision now, life would just escape me?

Indecision is the worst hurdle that I ever encounter, and it has the ability to make me wonder in circles for years.......and I don't think I have time for that anymore.

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