Fear, however unwarrented is a horrible and crippling thing. Fear of a thing can hold you back from experiencing life to the fullest. Fear of a comment, of ridicule, of following a crowd, of getting involved........ all acted on..lead to fear of being alone.
Why do I always feel alone? How is it possible that I who live with a house full of people, can feel so isolated from the world and everything. How is it that I, who used to be the center of attention, the belle of the ball, can end up with no support network, no close friends, nothing but online socializing.
I know the answer...just being rhetorical.
I do not act on my desires. And thats the only answer. I desire a thing, then find the shame in desiring. I find reasons to be guilty for a simple need to be with other people. I have depended totally on my husband and children for companionship, that now as they are growing older, and getting involved with other things in life, I am left isolated, with no one to relate to.
I seek interaction outside, but find the choices lacking. I get little pleasure from interacting with women, whose focus is only clothes, and children. I see more worth in interactions with men...they seem less competitive, less eager to criticize, and their topics, when they are intelligent span a range of issues, with a dash of humour thrown in.
My online friends are the best conversation I have had in ages.... but I need the connection to be more than that. A voice, a face, a need to sit in different auras that are exciting.
Sigh.....some planetary spellwork is probably needed, or maybe my heart and throat chakras need cleaning out completely.........
The heaviness in my heart is painful. I wish to be releived of it. I wish to be saved.