Sometime gone the FEAR kicked in that the relationship would turn sour, or that I would put in all this effort emotionally and eventually have to walk away ..alone.
And I allowed the fear to work its way in, and tried to press him for a commitment too soon....and what was a fun, playful and enjoyable energy; became strained and full of tension.
Then exactly what I FEARED was created.
Then I watched EARTH today, and heard this : "Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that at present do not and may not ever exist. Fear is a choice."
...causing us to fear things that at present do not and may not even happen........my imagination was running overboard! I did not corral my anxiety...and wham!
I needed to process this, because I saw..through someone else's eyes, the panicky, cling woman that was a turn off to me. Thankfully, he is a gentle soul, who calmly expressed that I was not sure about what I wanted, and that I needed time. He is still there....still supportive, just we are not in relationship mode. A thing I miss very much.... just in case he happens to read my blog. :)
These were my thoughts:
1) I was afraid that my emotional investment would be for nothing.
- So... I was loving in the hope that I get something out of it? What about unconditional love? Why do I assume that because I put out I must get something back? Do you truly care for this person, or do you see this person as someone who could probably fill your emotional needs, a mere tool to make you comfortable?
2) I decided an ALL or Nothing at all approach may have gotten me what I wanted.
-So....I threw an emotional tantrum, locked up the access to any contact...because I was taught that if I let him miss me, he will respect me and give me what I want. Looking back I realize this is emotional manipulation....and now I miss his touch, miss his kiss, and I have created an insecurity in him and damaged the trust between us. He decided to protect his heart and pulled back. I cannot blame him.
3) My emotions (fear) skewed my reality.
-This straight forward honest man, who indicated upfront that he was not ready for a committed relationship; but that he enjoyed spending time with me, talking to me, and sharing everything with me. That he is very comfortable around me, and very attracted to me, but was not ready to fall in love, he wanted to know me better. MY FEAR turned those words into ... "Hey...I think you're hot and would be happy to fool around with you for a while, but don't ask me to commit to you at all okay? And don't pressure me to do anything for you either."...JEEZ
Only now do I realize that I actually had EXACTLY what I wanted. I stupidly allowed FEAR to get into my head, and toy at my perception of reality. ...and now, I have lost what I had.
Some serious emotional maturity is needed. I am not in touch with myself. I do not "see" the reality of a situation.
Also...and this is very important, I realize I assess relationships success according to rigid fixed models, which may not work for every situation. I lack the patience to learn the person properly, and allow the energies between us to mix and become its own thing. I want to define how it should be mixed, according to these fixed models in my head.
It is a recipe for relationship disaster.
Which reminded me of another quote: Things fall into harmony when you always stay allowing of what arises, without resisting it.
I need to stop resisting a relationship's natural progressing and let it be what it was meant to be.